Belief.

“It's all about you.”

Friday, May 18, 2012 || 9:35 PM

The naivete when we were young, telling each other that a friendship will last forever, patting each other in the back and making a pact to always stay in touch regardless what happens, to find out some time later that the words we all wanted to hear were so easy to blurt, even easier than falling asleep. Yet to wake up from this dream requires a driving force so great, we never want to pull ourselves out, forcing ourselves to accept that life is always beautiful and of infinite possibilities.

And one day when we do decide to take a peek through those closed eyes, we do not see the morning sunlight streaming in from the side window. It's all gloomy, chilly and grey, befitting of all the problems faced by us. And it will start to rain, dark clouds forming faster than our thoughts, cutting us off from the outside world.

And then we realise that even sunny days have their limits.

Saturday, May 05, 2012 || 9:23 PM

Dreaming of perfect endings again.

Life is a myriad of mysteries, repeating itself over and over and over.

Sunday, April 29, 2012 || 6:14 AM

It's absurd how life catches up with you at some point in time when you least expect it.

Experiencing a mid-life crisis of some sorts: poor decision-making, discipline issues, a jammed schedule and having to find the meaning of life.

I am one who 'sees' the future. I worry about things way before it happens. I jump to conclusions and predict how things turn out before they even happen. I am right and wrong sometimes. I give myself undue stress even when no one's around.

That itself only tells part of the story.

Even after ORD, to be honest, I don't feel any sort of liberation. Freedom from the tight guidelines, yes. Freedom from the old knack of foreseeing things, no. 'Thinking too much' is a sure sign that I bother, and it doesn't go away because if I start thinking any lesser, I won't be thinking about anything at all.

And the thing that irked me a lot recently is the notion of how humanity has degenerated into something unrecognisable. I have seen just how much humanity has evolved over these short few months and am glad to have seen it because if I haven't, I would probably still be in lala-land enjoying my own fantasies. Coming out to the wilderness does help sometimes, but only if you know how to get back to safety.

Grappling with the demands of society has always been difficult, not because we aren't capable, but rather that society has always been hard to please. Simply put, do something a little different from the rest, and you are ostracised for a good part of your life. It's funny how people actually 'will' these things to happen even without understanding or experiencing any sort of that difference everyone seems to speak so lowly about.

It used to be a whole-hearted combination of both, but I have come to a point where I care because I want to, and not because I have to. What does it take to delve into something we really believe in, really? Instead of what others say you should be doing?

Paper stars, don't even inspire me like before anymore.

Sunday, January 08, 2012 || 11:41 PM

A Thousand Years - Christina Perri

Heartbeats fast
Colours and promises
How to be brave
How can I love, when I'm afraid to fall
But watching you stand alone
All of my doubt suddenly goes away somehow

One step closer

I have died everyday waiting for you
Darling don't be afraid I have loved you
For a thousand years
I'll love you for a thousand more

Time stands still
Beauty in all she is
I will be brave
I will not let anything take away
What's standing in front of me
Every breath
Every hour has come to this

One step closer

I have died everyday waiting for you
Darling don't be afraid I have loved you
For a thousand years
I'll love you for a thousand more

And all along I believed I would find you
Time has brought your heart to me
I have loved you for a thousand years
I'll love you for a thousand more

One step closer
One step closer

I have died everyday waiting for you
Darling don't be afraid I have loved you
For a thousand years
I'll love you for a thousand more

And all along I believed I would find you
Time has brought your heart to me
I have loved you for a thousand years
I'll love you for a thousand more

Wednesday, November 30, 2011 || 2:35 PM

I sure hope to find time to do things I really dream about.

Don't give up, don't give up.

Wednesday, November 02, 2011 || 10:26 PM

How everything is bursting from the dam in your chest, yet no words flow. To be honest, it's just too tiring having to keep everything to yourself since the answers to every problem stem from within as well. Or maybe we were too scared to open up in the first place. Or were we simply worrying about things that might never happen? I mean, is there even a point when we, ourselves, are simply options to a difficult question? Whatever the case, the damage is done and it's way too difficult to alter mentalities now that we are so deep in, so let's just take a one-way trip down and never turn back.

They call us 'weirdies'. I rather we be termed as the 'alternatives', or 'second-tiers'. None of us are born to be different. It's just a matter of the innate responding to different environments and teachings. We are not trying to 'fit in' to your so-called ideal world, but rather, play along with what you think is right. I emphasise, think is right. There is no rule dictating that the innate characteristics of each person are right or wrong, but I believe that there are always eyes looking in any direction at any one time. The conflict of mentalities, coupled with stereotype, simply put us down even further. We don't belong. Negligence breeds self-pity, self-pity breeds independence. Independence of the darkest order, one whereby when placed in a situation of choice, we will, ironically, choose to be completely bereft of companionship, despite knowing that all we need are people to turn to, people to get a laugh out from. An act of self-interest, or just to make everyone happy? An act of choosing to be free from emotional insecurities that comes along with meeting people after such a long time, or to free others from emotional burden that always tag along with a problematic kid? As always, mentalities.

Time. The quality that brings out the best and worst in us. A quality often taken advantage of due to its everlasting nature. Time doesn't stop, but Man does. As they say, it's funny how we are dead before people start acting the way they should. How a flower pot is broken, before lamenting "That was one of a kind.". How a pet dog goes missing, before thinking "I should have taken charge more often.". It's ironic how the things and people we seem to love never seem to be central to us at all, because 'I can always do it tomorrow.'. It's sad to see the things around us fade as time passes, as eras shift, as generations continue. What was taught by the men of old is slowly being eradicated, ushered into a new golden age we call home where everything is about oneself.

Not all people enjoy being shunned for no reason. Even fewer people can stand it for months, years even. It seems that there's always someone standing on the other side of the line.

However, this time, it's not a personal decision.

Wednesday, October 26, 2011 || 10:32 PM

Being alone is typical.

Being with someone is a gift.

Being with a group of people is a bonus.

Enough complaining.