“It's all about you.”

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Training in the morning again. Played some kind of game the coach implemented. Supposed to shoot 15 10-pointers, but the catch was that if I shot a 7 or below, I would have to shoot an additional 2 10-pointers as penalty, increasing the total number to 17 10-pointers.

Managed to complete the game and shoot 15 10-pointers, but I owed coach 28 shots. Kinda lucky that the coach didn't give us any punishment or something.

Then Mr Chow hollered at us because we were too slow at packing for tomorrow's Monthly Shoot. Ruined everyone's mood.

Then Esmond, Chiu Yee, Debby and I moved to Yoshinoya at Parkway to eat lunch. Chiu Yee got bread from Four Leaves instead and ate them in Yoshinoya. 0.0

Tried to find leather gloves for Australia after the meal. I found a suitable pair at some random shop, and the price was okay too. I would have bought it if not for the little silver hearts round the wrist.

Took a bus 31 home and played. Quite free now, ever since the holidays started yesterday.

But I feel miserable. For myself. And for others.

Sometimes it's better to be oblivious to everything.
They say ignorance is bliss.
Maybe that is true.
Emptiness?
That is just an open space.
An open space you have yet to fill with your memories and joy.
Let out your emotion. Don't be afraid.
I am here to help.

Labels: feelings

Full-day today. Though Mr Chan got around with some of his usual prep-talk again. Nonetheless, we got what we wanted.

Moved to class to claim holiday work and the Elective report. Moved into V13 and played bridge again. Then I went down to the range to wait for more people to arrive before we all went off for JTS together at Seoul Garden, Takashimaya.

Stoned on bus 36 for like half an hour or so. Played a bit of Pokemon TCG before we got off. Moved into the restaurant as per normal, like any other regular VJC student would.

Everyone got a bit hungry, so we started to get the food. Meat and vegetables and for some weird reason, noodles? Kai Liang 'found it funny and interesting', then decided to take it. Zzz.

Started to cook the meat and stuff. Each of us ate up like half a plate of meat or even more. Got really full within a short time. Even Chiu Yee and Shermaine had to get out of the restaurant for a walk. Heh.

Just when everyone is feeling all high and happy, I felt like I am the only person in the entire group of people who felt really low at that moment.

Seeing all the happy faces around me, and thinking that a moody person like me is in the way, I decided to make my way home alone after the meal, not saying a word when I left.

It's time like these that I feel all down, scared of ruining everyone's mood and... afraid? I didn't look back while walking away. But honestly speaking, that was the best ARC event of the year as of May 2007.

Special thanks to Chiu Yee, Esmond, Ahmad, Kai Liang, Jenny, Sihua, Shunyuan and Zihui for realising that I was leaving.


I really do need to change my perception of the world.
Maybe it's not that bad as I have thought?
Oh, and that little promise to myself about making others happy all the while?
I suppose it has to wait slightly longer before I actually accomplish that promise.

Labels: feelings

No man is an island,
No man stands alone,
Each man's joy is joy to me,
Each man's grief is my own.

We need one another,
So I will defend,
Each man as my brother,
Each man as my friend.

I saw the people gather,
I heard the music start,
The song that they were singing,
Is ringing in my heart.

No man is an island,
Way out in the blue,
We all look to the one above,
For our strength to renew.

When I help my brother,
Then I know that I,
Plant the seed of friendship,
That will never die.

Peace out.

Labels: feelings

Post 150. Not much significance. Hur.

Today was pretty okay. PE was totally off course. Ended up having to help the teacher fix the water pipe for spraying at the runners for 2.4km today. And I had the job of holding the pipe to the tap such that the pipe doesn't leak and come off the tap and end up wasting water. Zzz.

Economics, Maths, Chemistry. What a bore. Ended up spending half my time studying for French. And nobody realised.

Physics was not taken up by any teacher, so the 3rd language people decided to leave early to Bishan to study. And I slept my way on the bus. What the hell.

Reached in like 1 hour. Stoned in the canteen and pulled out my notebook to study. Struggled for quite a moment. And I knew I lost the battle before it has even started.

I was afraid.

Had no choice but to continue on with the paper. And I know I screwed it up after that. I wrote the composition in the wrong tense. And I am so doomed.

I never knew end-of-term moods could hurt so badly. Now I realised.

Labels: feelings

Is there any way I can help you?
Any way at all.
It is really saddening to see you struggling with it all...
...while I am just sitting here. Looking at you. And not being able to do anything.

Labels: depression

I am having trouble with myself now. Handling myself, of course.

I intended to sleep till 10am this morning before I go off for Air Rifle. But no, something inside me just kept being a nuisance and wake me up at 8am. And I couldn't go back to sleep after that. And I am beginning to worry for my own health because I haven't been sleeping really well for the past few months already. I am scared of losing myself to some weird illness and forever be binded to it or something.

So off for Air Rifle. Moved in and dry-fired for like 45 minutes before I went off to take a break. Unknowingly dozed off for like 15 minutes before my head hit the arm of the chair. Resumed dry-firing after that.

Shot 40 today. Sucks big time. I worry that I will never improve in the future. And I don't know what is wrong with me. Nobody knows me really well, so nobody can point out my true mistakes. I worry for myself because I might continue being like this in future.

I was all alone after that because almost everyone else had something to do. Walked silently to get lunch, top-up my EZ-link card, get a haircut and purchase goods for use in everyday life.

This is one such time in my life where I thought about a lot of things, even though I am silent and walking along the streets of Singapore. Sudden flashes of everything bothering me springs up in my mind. And I am scared I will not be able to solve all these problems soon. I am unwilling to confide these in anyone else because it's unfair to them. Yet I feel I am too weak to do anything to solve these problems.

But I suppose I can't be troubled.
Because I have to solve the troubles of others as well.
And I am willing to do it.
But I am afraid of not finding the best solution...

I didn't use my voice for 6 hours straight today.
Because I am all alone.

Labels: feelings

Today was really good. Didn't get depressed or anything. And I am actually smiling quite a lot today.

Lessons were much more bearable, though I don't understand why. Didn't go for French today because Teng had some church gathering or something, and I knew I was hopeless if I went alone, so I decided to forgo it and celebrate Kenny's birthday along with the peeps.

Us 'ambushers' got ready to attack. They all gave me the job of planting mayonaise on the head of Kenny when he came. So I did. Unexpected headbutt from him. Shirt was stained. And I am screwed for sure. Zzz...

Went into V13 classroom and played cards and taught my 3 kids how to sing 'La vie en rose'. An inspiration to not quit French. Hur.

Then Junhan, Ahmad, Kevin and I met up with Caitlin in the canteen. Talked about stuff which we found deeply amusing. Not gonna say what, I made a pact with her.

Moved into the range. New furniture and stuff. Studied a bit before moving off with some of the ARC people at 6.45pm.

Spoke more freely to Chiu Yee now. And I am glad we are getting by pretty well.

I hope waiting with you for bus 81 helped.
This night, nothing can deter my happiness. =)

Labels: happiness

Symphony of Voices yesterday night. Was awe inspiring. Pity if you didn't get to catch it.

A lot of things are not meant to be. To think I was accepted by people I trusted turned out to be quite a mistake.

I never should have spoken incessantly. Took me a year and a half to realise that. And I think it all ends here.

My spirit has been torn, devoured, whatever. And I am heartbroken. By so many things. So many things I came to know about only after damage is dealt.

If making you sad is the only thing I am doing to you right now, escape. Just escape, alright?

And for once, I feel all alone.

Our former selves.
Once happy and free of worry.
Can we ever revert to those times?
Because I am tired of playing hide-and-seek.

Labels: depression

How great. I get stuck at home for the whole of today doing practically nothing.

Played Time Crisis 3 on my PS2 this morning after I woke up. I am getting lousier after not playing for like 3 months or so. Finished overall 9th rank. I am disappointed.

Then I tried studying Maths while playing Championship Manager 2000 on my computer. Worked out pretty well. Now I know the Chain Rule for Differentiation pretty clearly. Heh.

Then I got bored again and played Time Crisis 3 again. Finished 2nd. Hur. Guess experience is needed.

Went off to update my holiday study plans for Air Rifle after that. Just realised how much I have to study during the vacations. I am quite sure I will have a hard time managing my time.

Then my mum used the computer to play Bejeweled 2 for 4 hours straight. And there I was watching TV after finishing my plans for the vacations. Because I had nothing to do.

Zzz. I hope tomorrow is going to be a great day. I think I am worrying too much.

Labels: feelings

A lot of problems got solved today.

And time passed pretty quickly too. I don't understand why, but there we go.

Tried to help those in need today. Passed 2 tubes of Cadbury to Chiu Yee in case she couldn't take it during the play at Esplanade. Helped some people in the range adjust their weapons. All that sort.

Shot pretty badly today. I never know when I will ever improve at this rate.

Moved to Parkway for dinner. Nothing much happening there. Too tired to speak that much anyway.

Thanks for today.
No worries for now, no worries for the future.

Labels: happiness

Another heart was broken again. By me.

Come to think of it, I really should just shut up and sit back. It's not going to be fun when you suddenly realised you said the wrong thing.

Maybe I should just throw away my sense of humour. It's starting to get nowhere, making wrong decisions and turns. It's not going to be useful in certain times.

Yeah. Maybe it's time. I should just be totally neutral about everything. Because I don't want to hurt again.

There's only half a year for me. I am not going to ruin it.

I wouldn't substitute you for anything else in the world.
Not for these 4 years, at least.

Labels: feelings

It's not very pleasant, in my opinion.

I was once this carefree guy, who never knew what was depression and what was stress. I never knew that there were people out there suffering all the while.

I never knew that there were bad friends either. Everyone just seemed pretty relaxed and happy to be with me.

But since when has this thought finally perished?

Maybe today. I never knew that behind those seemingly happy faces hide a true interior, a snide grin and laughing all the while.

Who can I trust, really?

I sat by myself on the bus back home today, my mind getting heavier and heavier with every minute.

I shed a lone tear on the bus too. And nobody knew.

I really wished I could have more faith.
Judging from today, what you all did, maybe it's time I thought again.
I have tried to be a better person, to feel for you, to care.
But no.
You all decided to play on my weakness, and continue biting.
And I see no reason in playing the angel when all of you hold a forked spear each.
It's just not fair, seriously.

Labels: depression

What to feel today? My mind is a blank now.

I haven't the slightest idea what I was thinking about half the time today. Guess I was taking things as they came. Woke up at like 8am this morning because I couldn't sleep anymore. Had a nightmare again last night. Something about me getting into a fight with some guy I find familiar on the roof of a HDB flat, though I dunno how I even got there in the first place. I got a fatal hit to the head and I fell off the building. Can't remember what happened next.

Used up time in the morning for PS2. Went back to FFX-2. Continued from where I last left off, and completed the game once again. That makes 2 completions. Got like a million Gil already, and I dunno where to spend the money on. I seriously need a new game on PC...

Then it was 11am. Moved off to Victoria School hostel for Physics Song meeting. Only Ranika and Ying Hua turned up. Ying Hua played the tune of the song on piano. Both of them told me I had the best voice among the 3, so they made me sing. -.-

Meeting ended early. Took a 31 back home. I have a feeling I took the same 31 to and from Victoria School. Both the drivers were old, and the license plates looked the same. Guess I was fated to be with the bus for one day.

Carried on with life for the next 5 hours. Parents came back and took me out to some chicken rice restaurant at Balestier. Finished 2 bowls of rice. Oh, and I managed to eat like two-thirds of a plate of beancurd, because nobody wanted to eat them. $88 meal. What the hell. That would be like my savings over 3 weeks. Hur.

Tomorrow's a Monday. How sad.

I found out a lot of things today.
Things that I never knew.
Things that made me happy.

Labels: happiness

I haven't the slightest idea what I am feeling today.

Training in the morning, like 11am. Took a bus at 9.45am, because I woke up earlier than I expected. It was 9.45 am because the bus was supposed to come at 9.30am but ended up jamming somewhere at the interchange or something. Made me wait for like 15 minutes for nothing. Waste of time, really.

Coach sprung some surprise test on Kai Liang, Christopher and me. Supposed to shoot 40 shots and do your best. I tried. And I came in last among the 3 anyway. At this rate, I am never going to do well and shoot in the Nationals. That would make 2007 the second consecutive year not taking part in this major competition. And I would feel all sad and lonely and jealous and angry and disappointed and depressed and...........never mind.

Played cards in the range again. Kenneth kacheow-ing Chiu Yee and me like once every 10 minutes.

(Playing Bridge)
Me:(Bidding) 3 Spades
Esmond: Pass.
Kevin: Pass.
Chiu Yee: Pass.
Me: Alright. My partner is Ace of Spades.
Kenneth (sitting beside Chiu Yee, looks at me, then at Chiu Yee's cards): Ooooooooh. Now I know why you called the Ace of Spades already. (laughs)
Chiu Yee and me: -.-

Came to about 2.30pm. Then all of us left to lunch. Kevin, Esmond, Chiu Yee and I went to KFC. Again. And I can't believe they ran out of cheese there. What the hell. There goes my Cheese Fries. Grr.

Followed Esmond to get a guitar string, because there is a string missing on his guitar. Rifle range getting upgraded in a day or so, so stuff inside got cleared out. Kinda weird for people to hold guitars and walking in public places. Some people were like staring at Esmond and Chiu Yee, because each of them were carrying one. Hur

Wanted to go update my passport photo, but ICA was closed. Zzz. Got scolded by my mum for not checking the opening hours. What the hell.

Hmm. I really dunno what to feel now. It's a mixture of feelings, but I dunno which is stronger.

Now I really don't know what to do.
I am scared.
I am depressed.
I am angry.
I am jealous.
I am lonely.
I am......
Forget it. You wouldn't want me to go on.

Labels: depression

I was afraid.

I hate this kind of feeling. I never want to feel fear ever again.

Got worked up today. Shot remarks at a few people in my class. They got pissed. And I was scared they would never come to me again. Training was bad today as well. I was scared that I could never improve.

I have no reason to be happy. Today at least.

You scared me tonight, for half an hour at least.
But I am relieved to hear that you are just eating your dinner.

Labels: depression

You have always been on the move seeking affectionate, satisfying and harmonious relationships. Your ultimate goal has been the realisation of an intimate union in which there could be love, self-sacrifice and mutual trust. It has often been said that 'True love is just around the corner' and - if you haven't found it as yet - you possibly soon will.

You are trying to improve your position and prestige - be it in your life or in your workplace. Things are, at this time, OK - but they could be better. You feel that it is essential that you break down any opposition that could possibly lurk in the shadows. You know that you are quite capable of achieving this set goal because you have to and because it is essential to your self esteem.

Being a very proud individual, you tend to hold yourself aloof pretending that you are stoical - indifferent to pain and pleasure. This is not so, for in truth you are an extremely emotional individual, one that may make a hasty decision and perhaps regret it at leisure. It is time now to break the bond of detachment and be the 'you' that you would like to be - give vent to your emotions and enjoy yourself.

You are being unduly influenced by the situation that is all around you. You do not like the feeling of loneliness and whatever it is that seems to separate you from others. You know that life can be wonderful and you are anxious to experience life in all its aspects, to live it to the full. You therefore resent any restriction or limitations that are being imposed on you and you insist on going it alone.

You wish to be left in peace... no more conflict and no more differences of opinion. In fact you just don't want to be involved in arguments of any shape or form. All you want is for 'them' to get on with it - and to leave you alone.


How problematic. It's another sad day.

Got really fed up with some people from my class. I see no reason to do good to others, while people simply take all these benefits and walk away without doing anything in return. It's not fair, seriously. In fact, why should I bother doing anything good? Why should I care about your feelings? I could have said something in rebuttal and ruin your day. But no, I chose to shut up. Why? Because I care. But since nobody cares, I shouldn't either. It's a fair trade.

Too much pent-up frustrations inside me today, I came close to tears 3 times again by the end of Chinese. And I can't believe I never spoke much during break today. Even Rhoda went worried. Told me to let it out if I couldn't take it. That was when my life reached an all-time low.

That bubble inside me containing all my thoughts finally burst during Literature, my free period. Cried to myself in some corner of VJC. And nobody knew. I have never cried this hard to myself ever since the end of last year, where I vented my troubles on Miss Fong. Maybe it's time.

Didn't wish to speak much for the rest of the day. Even French seemed quite bearable with this kind of mood.

My thoughts...will continue to linger forever. That would, no doubt, cause a nightmare tonight.

No one can heal the wounds that have scarred me in the past.
No one can ever replace my sorrows with anything else.
I did my best, hoping to see a better tomorrow.
But in the end, I just dread to wake up every single day.

Labels: depression

I am depressed. Sad at the same time.

I don't know about myself. I have a feeling I am losing my nerve. And I don't believe that almost no one realised that I was all alone, living in my own private soul, speaking to myself and putting on a solemn, serious face.

The depression started during Civics, when Miss Low announced the groupings for the Australia trip. Hsien Liang, Kelvin, Sharon, Xin Yue and me. Only one person to communicate to out of the other 4 group members. And I don't believe I didn't get any of my close friends in the same group. And I can't believe that I don't even have my own classmate to talk to. I never had worse luck in my life.

Moved off to training. Never imagined that Junjie and En Wei are absent for training again. Decided to run around school with Jun Han. Pull-ups after that. Then it was time for the Exco speeches.

Kept cool, and never said anything extra. I hope I struck an impact. But I am afraid of the reaction when one of us 8 nominees gets kicked out of the 7 posts available. And I dislike some the offensive and intimidating questions some of my seniors posed. If you want the club to continue as a club, maybe it's time to take these questions out. I really feel that it would help.

And I never imagined that I felt sad today. After 3 days of happiness, depression has finally pulled me down.

I think I am losing relations.
I am doubting whether I am the right person.
And I cannot push these thoughts away tonight.
Nor can I push them away in the future.
To think that I came this close to tears 3 times in a night...
...all because I am alone.

Labels: depression

Decided to move off to somewhere different. Changed my blogskin to something pretty surprising. I doubt you would be reading this post without raising your eyebrows, thinking whether I am gay. My answer would be no.

Labour day. Big deal. I still had to work at home all day, didn't I? With my Air Rifle people all at some class picnic, I had no choice but to stay at home. Work. My heart is at the world's edge now.

I foresaw that my parents would rant and scold me about a lot of stuff again. They did. Well, at least I was forewarned, so I wasn't really affected much. They told me to study. I did. They told me to read the newspapers. I did. They told me to eat papayas 3 times in 2 hours. I did.

I wonder how much longer do I need to survive like this. Because it's getting kind of boring. I need something fresh...

Thanks for everything today, yesterday, and the day before yesterday.

Labels: happiness