“It's all about you.”

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I'm putting a stop to my failing streak. So there.

I really don't think my personality fits well in life.

I mean, come on, which person attends every single lecture (minus all those times where I have to miss them due to special circumstances), attends every tutorial in school, and still screws up at tests or exams? There's no logic.

Besides, this so-called 'integrity' or 'responsibility' factor of mine falls on deaf ears anyway. Deaf eyes, maybe, most people never look at the small little things that matter most of the time. Miss Lee didn't turn up on time for tutorial today, which was kind of weird, so I decided to go to the staff room to call her. She happened to be there, and seemed to be quite surprised over misjudging our tutorial time, thinking that it was supposed to start half an hour hour later. She then hurried to pack her things to proceed to our class.

Walking back to the classroom, most of the class seemed expectant over tutorial period being cancelled or something. I mean, who doesn't enjoy a good break from school.

I just told them that she was on her way. Without much surprise, most of the class gave huge sighs and stuff, as their thoughts of having time to relax was blown.

But what hurts me the most were those short but incisive words, spewing from the mouths of a few who apparently weren't quite pleased with what I said to the class.

'OMG why did you go call her? She hasn't actually started on Benzenes yet!'

'You stupid or stupid? We could have gotten a break!'

'Walao!'

I'm not sure about a a lot of things. Although Minghui was really nice enough to mention that it was all part of integrity by calling Miss Lee to class, I can't help but wonder if anyone actually appreciates what others do for them, all the little things, even when inconveniences come with these doings?

Everything I do, I give my best. Or at least, most of the time.

But is it enough?

I wished life was wonderful.

Are you sure this is all you got, S.C.?

I honestly haven't had a proper day's break this week at all.

School has now been into its first week, but it hasn't been fantastic as I expected to be, or what I foreseen in the holidays. R-papers were totally crap, and I cannot digest the fact that I started studying like crazy 6 weeks ago and ending up with this kind of ******-** performance of mine, and it really doesn't help matters when I can't find out what the hell is wrong with my study pattern at all.

This feeling really does suck. That feeling of shame, a sense of uselessness, and the weakness to lift your head up high. I really don't want any of this at all. Not one bit.

I have only 9 months, give or take, to experiment any new study methods. I want to see any grade that is above an E SO BADLY!!!! I haven't met anyone who does so badly like me currently. I haven't got any idea how to improve by CT's so that I can get rid of all the remedials off my back.

I want to do better, but I just don't know how.

Still feeling unconvinced.

And I really hate it when my mother always puts that element of sarcasm in her response. To me when I say something serious, at least.

'No, I don't want to go watch Red Cliff 2 tonight. I want to study for Monday.'

'Yahh right...'

Screw it.

Thoroughly unconvinced.

It has only been 5 days, and I'm already beginning to see signs of weakness in what I promised.

Please stop being such a ****, S.C..

I don't know how.

I don't care how.

But I definitely must get my confidence back.