Belief.

“It's all about you.”

Saturday, August 28, 2010 || 7:56 PM

Saturday. The weekend. One of the times where NS men always look forward to. Almost everyone will use it for self-relaxation. Doing what they love best.

I woke up in the morning. 7am, the alarm clock beside me says. I wondered what caused me to wake up this early even on a weekend. And the answer came in a second: I had a sore throat. That was weird, I thought to myself, because I don't remember having one the night before. And I didn't consume anything that could cause one in the last 8 to 10 hours. The only answer I gave to myself: I should have closed my mouth when I slept so that the air-conditioned environment in my room wouldn't make my mouth so dry.

I tried going back to sleep. I could only manage till 9.30am. I felt down, of all the emotions to feel, when I sat up on my bed. I couldn't explain why I felt that way then. I shrugged it off, and continued with washing up and breakfast.

I used the computer for the morning. To my surprise I didn't feel like playing the usual video games I always do. I checked in on piano tutorials, and spent some time learning a new piece. After some time, I decided that some fresh air outside would do me good.

I went to my room, opened my cupboard and looked inside. I realised that I've never been in a dilemna over what to wear, because everything in my cupboard are all boring. I looked around, and saw something at the corner. I picked it out. It was a grey, long-sleeved shirt that I didn't see for quite sometime. I picked it, deciding that it would be good for a movie later. I told my mum I would be out with a couple of friends, but I knew it wasn't going to be like that.

The world is changing, and at an alarming rate. I wonder if it's cause for worry. It's sad to see how attitudes of people change in a blink of an eye. I overheard two young boys talking about their grades over lunch today. One of them asked the other what he was going to do about his Mathematics as he has failed the PSLE Prelims paper. His counterpart replied with a nonchalant 'Dunno, go back then see how', and quickly changed the subject to what movie they were going to watch later.

I took a train to Bugis. It's a place I haven't visited for a while. I opted to search for a suitable movie timing first at Iluma before doing anything else. I found King of Fighters at 1.40pm, half an hour from the time I checked. I got the ticket, and roamed the mall for a good 20 minutes before going into the theatre.

I sat down. There were only 9 people viewing the movie. I realised the magnitude of loneliness building up inside me at that instant, and it got me thinking. Should I have asked someone out as well? Would anyone be available? An internal struggle between myself and the world.

The show ended. Everyone else got up to leave as the credits rolled. I wished I could stay back in the theatre for just a bit longer, to think and to reflect. But the staff were closing in to clean up the place and that left me with no choice. I exited, veering through all the thin passages in the inner regions of the mall to reach the lift.

I crossed over to Bugis Junction. Nothing has changed, to say the least. I walked around to search for more long-sleeved shirts but nothing caught my eye. I found myself not having much to do at that point. I contemplated playing LAN all by myself, but decided against it as it was just plain stupid.

Walking around took 2 hours or more. I couldn't stand feeling lost any longer, and took an early dinner at Yoshinoya. I sat down alone at a 4-seater table with my food, staring at my bag across me as I ate. It was like looking at a reflection of myself, simply something to fill the empty space but nothing in actuality. My stomach seemed to compress as I progressed with my food, making me take smaller bites. I couldn't explain this. I left when I finished.

I took a train back to Tampines. I moved to Frolick at Tampines 1 and bought something just to pass the time. I sat down and opened my bag. It contained a book, a TIME magazine and paper to be folded into stars. And I was shocked when I chose to read the book, because on any other occasion I would have taken the origami paper without any second thoughts. I told myself that the primary reason spurring me to fold the stars over the years has been lost through the recent events that occurred. I felt that something was wrong with me, a shadow of my former self. No wonder all my seniors and superiors at work or school or home think I have become more passive.

I was absorbed into my book. One line in the book rang out in particular. 'The reason why people lose themselves is due to them losing the reason to live'. I thought about my reason to live. I couldn't answer myself. I realise I've been getting through life day by day, without exactly knowing what's going on. That woke me up a bit.

Unknowingly I spent an hour there. I decided to return back home. As I turned my keys in the lock, my mother rang. She asked if I managed to find anybody to go out with today.

I froze. I found myself struggling with an answer.

It's true, I find myself running away when I'm eased to one side, and that's a possible reason for me having to face the consequence of being alone now. To all my friends, I'm sorry for everything. I should have done better. I just want you guys to be a part of my life. I guess it's really too late to say this but I really miss the days we were together.

Monday, August 23, 2010 || 6:20 PM

It's just been another of those long weeks, one that starts off with a big bang and the hydrogen tank inside you keeps propelling you forward, no change in direction and no slowing down in speed. At the end of it all, you find yourself deflated, depleted, completely worn out, battered, but definitely a better person.

It's just been another of those long weeks, one that is packed full of activities that take so much out of you that you begin wondering if gritting your teeth through it all is even worth it. Hell, you even contemplate giving up on yourself as an option to escape the harsh realities. You find yourself reaching out to people around you for help, desperately needing a helping hand to pull you of the troubled waters. At the end of it all, you find yourself a little depressed, psyched out, mentally drained, but definitely someone with a harder resolve.

It's just been another of those long weeks, one that feels like an eternity. Wishing for the week to quickly end always hangs in your mind, so that the pain you are suffering for the period of time can end as well. At the end of it all, you find yourself broken, tired, too strained to even think, but definitely more able to take hardships.

It's just been another of those long weeks, one that makes you involuntarily feel lost and all alone. You find yourself thinking of that special someone when you are face to face with problems, wishing that she would be right next to you to get through the storm together, missing her more with every second that ticks by. You find yourself regretting all the things you might have done to let her down, disappoint her even by the slightest bit. Your heart wrenches even more when you know she's out of your reach, an angel who deserves better, and that she might never know how you feel about her. You wish that you had more courage to take the next big step forward and pour your heart out to her, fearing her reaction. At the end of it all, you find yourself in tears, begging for a miracle.

It's just been another of those long weeks. Just another one.

Monday, August 09, 2010 || 1:09 PM

But then of course everything always happens for a reason
I guess it was never meant to be
But it's just something we have no control over and that's what destiny is
But no more worries, rest your head and go to sleep
Maybe one day we'll wake up and this will all just be a dream