This...........Is My Story

2012-01-08T23:41:00.000+08:00

A Thousand Years - Christina Perri

Heartbeats fast
Colours and promises
How to be brave
How can I love, when I'm afraid to fall
But watching you stand alone
All of my doubt suddenly goes away somehow

One step closer

I have died everyday waiting for you
Darling don't be afraid I have loved you
For a thousand years
I'll love you for a thousand more

Time stands still
Beauty in all she is
I will be brave
I will not let anything take away
What's standing in front of me
Every breath
Every hour has come to this

One step closer

I have died everyday waiting for you
Darling don't be afraid I have loved you
For a thousand years
I'll love you for a thousand more

And all along I believed I would find you
Time has brought your heart to me
I have loved you for a thousand years
I'll love you for a thousand more

One step closer
One step closer

I have died everyday waiting for you
Darling don't be afraid I have loved you
For a thousand years
I'll love you for a thousand more

And all along I believed I would find you
Time has brought your heart to me
I have loved you for a thousand years
I'll love you for a thousand more

2011-11-30T14:35:00.001+08:00

I sure hope to find time to do things I really dream about.

Don't give up, don't give up.

2011-11-02T22:26:00.004+08:00

How everything is bursting from the dam in your chest, yet no words flow. To be honest, it's just too tiring having to keep everything to yourself since the answers to every problem stem from within as well. Or maybe we were too scared to open up in the first place. Or were we simply worrying about things that might never happen? I mean, is there even a point when we, ourselves, are simply options to a difficult question? Whatever the case, the damage is done and it's way too difficult to alter mentalities now that we are so deep in, so let's just take a one-way trip down and never turn back.

They call us 'weirdies'. I rather we be termed as the 'alternatives', or 'second-tiers'. None of us are born to be different. It's just a matter of the innate responding to different environments and teachings. We are not trying to 'fit in' to your so-called ideal world, but rather, play along with what you think is right. I emphasise, think is right. There is no rule dictating that the innate characteristics of each person are right or wrong, but I believe that there are always eyes looking in any direction at any one time. The conflict of mentalities, coupled with stereotype, simply put us down even further. We don't belong. Negligence breeds self-pity, self-pity breeds independence. Independence of the darkest order, one whereby when placed in a situation of choice, we will, ironically, choose to be completely bereft of companionship, despite knowing that all we need are people to turn to, people to get a laugh out from. An act of self-interest, or just to make everyone happy? An act of choosing to be free from emotional insecurities that comes along with meeting people after such a long time, or to free others from emotional burden that always tag along with a problematic kid? As always, mentalities.

Time. The quality that brings out the best and worst in us. A quality often taken advantage of due to its everlasting nature. Time doesn't stop, but Man does. As they say, it's funny how we are dead before people start acting the way they should. How a flower pot is broken, before lamenting "That was one of a kind.". How a pet dog goes missing, before thinking "I should have taken charge more often.". It's ironic how the things and people we seem to love never seem to be central to us at all, because 'I can always do it tomorrow.'. It's sad to see the things around us fade as time passes, as eras shift, as generations continue. What was taught by the men of old is slowly being eradicated, ushered into a new golden age we call home where everything is about oneself.

Not all people enjoy being shunned for no reason. Even fewer people can stand it for months, years even. It seems that there's always someone standing on the other side of the line.

However, this time, it's not a personal decision.

2011-10-26T22:32:00.002+08:00

Being alone is typical.

Being with someone is a gift.

Being with a group of people is a bonus.

Enough complaining.

2011-10-11T12:25:00.001+08:00

If.

If only.

If only I.

2011-08-28T22:22:00.002+08:00

Dreams are delicate, worthy of being chased, and proof that we are human. The roads to self-discovery.

Once they are taken from us, we are the walking dead.

And in light of recent events, I believe my dreams are now well and truly buried.

2011-08-04T15:46:00.004+08:00

Staring at my own reflection in the mirror this afternoon, I have come to realise how much I have given in my everyday life here on this little island.

Decision-making doesn't seem so difficult anymore. Or is it just the perception of things that dictates what we choose to do?

Silence is the true friend that never betrays. I sure hope Confucius is right.

2011-07-06T20:22:00.002+08:00

People may lose interest. But we ourselves should never lose faith.

2011-06-07T21:41:00.002+08:00

It hasn't even started, yet what's this feeling of weariness?

No distractions anymore. Perhaps it's time to bring back the poker face of old.

2011-05-25T23:42:00.002+08:00

First Love - Utada Hikaru

Saigo no kisu wa tabako no flavor ga shita
Nigakute setsunai kaori

Ashita no imagoro ni wa
Anata wa doko ni irundarou
Dare wo omotterundarou

You were always gonna be my love
Itsuka darekato mata koi ni ochitemo
I'll remember to love
You taught me how
You are always gonna be the one
Ima wa mada kanashii love you, so in love
Atarashii uta utaeru made

Ta chidomaru jikan ga
Ugoki dasouto shiteru
Wasureta kunai kotobakari

Ashita no imagoro niwa
Watashi wa kitto naiteru
Anatawo omotterundarou

Yeah-eh-eh-eh...

You will always be inside my heart
Itsumo anata dake no basho ga aru kara
I hope that I have a place in your heart too
Now and forever
You are still the one
Ima wa mada kanashii love you, so in love
Atarashii uta utaeru made

You were always gonna be my love
Itsuka darekato mata koi ni ochitemo
I'll remember to love
You taught me how
You are always gonna be the one
Mada kanashii love you, so in love
Yeah...
Now and forever
You'll be...

2011-05-21T21:39:00.002+08:00

It's the little things.

I found $2 on the floor at the MRT station.

I donated to charity.

I met an old friend I haven't seen in 6 years on the streets.

I met my recruits on the streets as well.

I had a go at my favourite game.

It's the little things.

2011-05-07T23:02:00.001+08:00

Just like broken glass.

2011-05-03T22:03:00.001+08:00

And so, war begins.

Go run riot, evil twin.

2011-04-30T21:54:00.002+08:00

What if I said I wanted my own destiny in my hands?

No one would bother.

And what if I said I wanted the entire world at my feet?

No one would listen.

And what if I said I wanted everything?

No one would care.

2011-04-25T18:47:00.003+08:00

Transgression of humanity into something more deceptive is probably, to be honest, a way of life.

2011-04-12T20:01:00.005+08:00

The road to self-discovery is one that is extremely annoying but fulfilling at the same time because it does not give you answers or solutions right at the start but rather forces you to experiment and play with ideas that might seem weird or unthinkable and even so people might not entertain the thought of wanting to know more about oneself and simply go through the motion and get through life as it is since it is so much more comfortable and thus we are doomed to having such idle personalities more often than not but nothing can be done about it since we are humans and humans are innately selfish and will thus always look for themselves first before anything else which brings me to another point that we are all afraid of meeting new people and talking to them because we do not know what is going on behind that face of his or her and what he or she is thinking because he or she might be plotting against you in some way or even thinking that Oh man I am simply wasting my time with this guy or girl but whatever makes one happy goes and you know what I mean because ultimately we ought to live a life that does not contain any regrets for I suppose it is the only driving force that keeps us going all this while but perhaps I may be wrong since some people may value other things above living a fruitful life such as having good friends or living in a kickass house or meeting the right partner in life but I guess nothing matters now since we all kick off from the same start line at the beginning of life and different people will have different progress somehow and I am somehow pretty envious at how things are panning out for a lot of my friends who are enjoying things and having everything they need at the moment but I guess nobody knows who I really am since I have not been expressing myself properly so it is my business to end up in such a state as of now but all I can say is that I am living a life of no regrets now and I guess that is the only important thing because I have not come this far to die now nor will I sit down and wait for it all to end as all I am looking forward to in life currently is simply the sunrise the next day so bring it on.

2011-04-11T21:53:00.000+08:00

It's perfectly fine to fade into nothingness.

Just don't forget that we were once here, that's all.

2011-04-02T22:40:00.002+08:00

It's funny how it takes so long to build a reputation and maintain it, whereas all it takes is a blink of an eye to crush it.

What do us, as individuals, think about ourselves? What do we see ourselves as? A solitary being landed here on this planet out of coincidence? A partner of someone else? A jigsaw piece to a more cohesive unit such as a circle of friends? Notions as such are blurred, because we don't care anymore. Not that it matters, but our identity as individuals are no longer questioned as often as before.

Do we still remember ourselves in the past where we were of a certain character? Able to communicate effectively, flamboyant, always giving something of use back to society or even our social circle because we weren't afraid. Now 10 or 15 years down the road, everything changed. An inner circle forms within the social circle, tempers run thin, and we are always looking behind our backs because anything can happen.

Have we lost to our own memories? Or to phrase it differently, lost memories of ourselves? It doesn't take much to be a ghost of ourselves, to be honest. Question is, do we really want to stay as such for the long term?

2011-03-29T14:50:00.003+08:00

What good would it do if we just gave everything up now? Does it really make things easier? Seem easier, yes. But actually easier? Why does it feel as though we are going through the motion everyday? We wake up, we take our meals, we get through work, we sleep... Nothing changes, nothing that breaks away from the norm. What if we are too accustomed to this routine to the extent that we are afraid of change? Cringing as soon as something out of the blue crops up, unwilling to experiment with new ideas and fresh schools of thought, not daring to move out of this safe shell we call 'home'. It's an irony to think that change is the only constant in most circumstances. What happens if we choose to adhere this norm? Even in the face of choice, why do we opt to stick with what we have been following all this while just because it's been tried, tested and guarantee-stamped that it will work out? We are afraid. All of us will be. But I'm afraid that this fear of plucking my courage and sticking my head out will consume me.

2011-03-19T22:19:00.002+08:00

This feels exactly like hydrogen-oxygen fuel compressed in a rusted tank: capable of maximising potential, only restricted by the limitations of the bearer.

I can still go on, but I am jaded.

2011-03-13T20:00:00.002+08:00

Fallen from grace.

But maybe, you were the reason my mind couldn't care less anymore.

Goodbye, you. I will leave you alone now.

2011-03-04T21:31:00.001+08:00

Stereo Love - Edward Maya (Feat. Vika Jigulina)

When you gonna stop breaking my heart
I don't wanna be another one
Paying for the things I never done
Don't let go, don't let go, to my love

Can I get to your soul? Can you get to my thoughts?
Can you promise we won't let go?
All the things that I need, all the things that you need
You can make it feel so real
Cause you can't deny, you've blown my mind
When I touch your body, I feel I'm losing control
Cause you can't deny, you've blown my mind
When I see you baby, I just don't wanna let go

I hate to see you cry, your smile is a beautiful lie
I hate to see you cry, my love is dying inside
I can fix all those lies, but baby, baby I run, but I'm running to you
You won't see me cry, I'm hiding inside
My heart is in pain but I'm smiling for you

Can I get to your soul? Can you get to my thoughts?
Can you promise we won't let go?
All the things that I need, all the things that you need
You can make it feel so real
Cause you can't deny, you've blown my mind
When I touch your body, I feel I'm losing control
Cause you can't deny, you've blown my mind
When I see you baby, I just don't wanna let go

When you gonna stop breaking my heart
Don't let go, don't let go to my love

I hate to see you cry, your smile is a beautiful lie
I hate to see you cry, my love is dying inside
I can fix all those lies, but baby, baby I run, but I'm running to you
You won't see me cry, I'm hiding inside
My heart is in pain but I'm smiling for you
Oh baby, I'll try to make the things right
I need you more than air when I'm not with you
Please don't ask me why, just kiss me this time
My only dream is about you and I

2011-02-26T17:34:00.001+08:00

But I'm not afraid to let go anymore.

2011-02-20T20:44:00.000+08:00

Just like dust in the wind. I'm sick of everything.

2011-02-02T20:32:00.003+08:00

And I choose to stick to whatever I believe in, no matter what others may say.

No smokes, no drugs, no gambling, no booze. I solemnly swear that the commander Initiation Programme will be the last time I ever drink beer, and 7 cans in a row at that.

And hard work's the way to go. Don't come whining to me that shortcuts earn as much returns as the 'long, old-fashioned method' because, as far as I'm concerned, one will never grow and develop if we cut corners to achieve aims. That being said, the lazy attitude imbued into each and every one of us since birth would inflate even further and eventually implode.

I'm perturbed by the mere handful of people who actually share my idealogies.

2011-01-07T15:43:00.001+08:00

It is not a rebound.

It is not a hangover.

I'm happy to continue like this for now.

2011-01-01T01:30:00.003+08:00

I guess none of this actually matters now but I don't really care.

Moving on to a new year with different aspirations and new dreams, I believe the search for the meaning of life still continues for most of us. But as they say, answers turn invisible as soon as you put your head down and hunt for it, lurking in the shadows, only showing themselves when you least expect it.

I can't say 2010 was great, nor will you hear that it was awesome-possome because there's bound to be pitfalls somewhere along the way, tripping you up, scraping away at the delicate skin of our comfort zone. What I've learnt, in fact, is the ability to put your courage to practical use, be strong, face forward and tackle whatever's coming. To be honest, I've lost a fair share of faith in a lot of things, from people to my own computer, but I guess the only thing I can do now is stay where I am and simply wait for this vibe to fade.

2011. I've got new dreams this time around. Every aspect of my life has its own. I believe I'm here to take them.

2010-12-24T22:52:00.002+08:00

Shouldn't things be simpler?

Are we all running away from each other?

Is your personality simply a facade to cover up all the imperfections you possess?

Will it help?

How would tomorrow turn out?

Do you care?

Perhaps it wasn't anyone's fault?

Wouldn't anyone be surprised?

Why couldn't we achieve it?

How should I spend my time now?

What do I do?

Can't you listen?

A break, please?

2010-12-11T19:16:00.001+08:00

So this is how it's all going to be.

Never really understood how the human brain worked anyway.

Perhaps that's why I'm losing so much faith.

2010-10-31T16:57:00.003+08:00

Just a little more.

Grandslam over, half the course done with, and lesser things to worry about for the time being. Incredibly, time actually flies when you are not paying attention, and before you know it everything's done.

I think I've learnt a lot over the past week itself, being placed in hot-soup situations almost every minute, forced to think and react accordingly even in the worst mental condition possible and pushing forward even if the odds are against you. Really, what drives you depends on how clear your mind is at any one point of time. Once negativity corrupts and eats away at your thoughts, you are done for.

I'm actually glad to have been through the experience as an appointment holder over the course of the exercise last week, even at the expense of having almost no rest for 2 days. Being tested and pressured is probably something that makes life interesting and really, there's no better grounds to experience that than in the military itself.

I have no idea why or what I'm typing right now 'cos I think my mind's been fried from all the stress for the last 2 weeks so I think I better leave it as it is for now. Missing so many things and so many people at present.

2010-10-21T20:04:00.004+08:00

I did almost everything with you in my mind.

I tried talking to you with a smile in my heart. Little did I know it flipped into a frown in such a short space of time.

I thought things would get better if I left it off for a while. I tried again, but I guess it didn't work either.

Drama never ends.

2010-10-16T20:35:00.001+08:00

All these, for what?

2010-10-07T20:33:00.002+08:00

I guess it has come to that point of time where everything seems so bleak and colourless.

No vigour, no spice, just monotony seeping into a life that has already been deprived of so many things. No fire, no spark, just lethargy filling up the empty voids left behind in a mortal shell.

I swear this feeling sucks so bad. There are times where I flick my phone up, hoping for a message that doesn't make sense at all, and fall back into slight disappointment. Perhaps I'm expecting too much again but the lack of human touch is beginning to get to me in recent weeks. Perhaps I'm refusing to let bygones be bygones but I suppose my heart is not going to let it go. Or rather, never going to let it go. There are so many things welled up in this tiny piece of muscle that I wished I could scream out loud about but I guess it really is much, much easier to just keel over and stay silent.

I wonder how's this different from being invisible. In any case, I think I'm just beginning to turn into one.

2010-10-01T22:17:00.001+08:00

So what's going to happen next?

2010-09-24T22:17:00.002+08:00

I have to ask how some people look at birthdays.

Yes, it's a special day for the individual. And yes, it does feel as if the world is under his feet. But is it really that important to the point where you feel neglected or disapproving of others who don't acknowledge it in time? I do admit that I'm in the wrong for the late compliments, but it's disheartening to hear that tiny hint of sarcasm in a response and not even a word of thanks.

I'm sorry, but I just have to know.

2010-09-12T11:17:00.001+08:00

Where did I go wrong?
I lost a friend,
Somewhere along in the bitterness.
And I would have stayed up with you all night,
Had I known how to save a life.

2010-09-11T18:06:00.002+08:00

No inspiration from the skies at all for the moment.

2010-09-02T15:54:00.005+08:00

On the broken pieces of paper
Different faces of sky
Fosters the child of sea

In the sandalwood sunlight
The child, perspicuous squirrel of mountain
Breathing in canvas so white
Caresses its hand in a plea

The semaphore heart, truth so surreal
Mystic tapered candles of flame
Questioning instances of lie
Like benign fear of quintessential lea

The small, small ways being my prop
Taking a journey, on chimera’s top
Through whiskers of eyes, soaked in tepidity
To far, very far for a wish
A wish of Eternity

If the broken pieces could be pieced together, it would form a jigsaw puzzle, beautiful in the end.

Maybe I should have been myself and not expect so much in the first place. After all, it is us who know ourselves best.

I should dispense with all the nitpicking and accept things as they come.

I should be strong to face shit. I will be strong.

2010-08-28T19:56:00.003+08:00

Saturday. The weekend. One of the times where NS men always look forward to. Almost everyone will use it for self-relaxation. Doing what they love best.

I woke up in the morning. 7am, the alarm clock beside me says. I wondered what caused me to wake up this early even on a weekend. And the answer came in a second: I had a sore throat. That was weird, I thought to myself, because I don't remember having one the night before. And I didn't consume anything that could cause one in the last 8 to 10 hours. The only answer I gave to myself: I should have closed my mouth when I slept so that the air-conditioned environment in my room wouldn't make my mouth so dry.

I tried going back to sleep. I could only manage till 9.30am. I felt down, of all the emotions to feel, when I sat up on my bed. I couldn't explain why I felt that way then. I shrugged it off, and continued with washing up and breakfast.

I used the computer for the morning. To my surprise I didn't feel like playing the usual video games I always do. I checked in on piano tutorials, and spent some time learning a new piece. After some time, I decided that some fresh air outside would do me good.

I went to my room, opened my cupboard and looked inside. I realised that I've never been in a dilemna over what to wear, because everything in my cupboard are all boring. I looked around, and saw something at the corner. I picked it out. It was a grey, long-sleeved shirt that I didn't see for quite sometime. I picked it, deciding that it would be good for a movie later. I told my mum I would be out with a couple of friends, but I knew it wasn't going to be like that.

The world is changing, and at an alarming rate. I wonder if it's cause for worry. It's sad to see how attitudes of people change in a blink of an eye. I overheard two young boys talking about their grades over lunch today. One of them asked the other what he was going to do about his Mathematics as he has failed the PSLE Prelims paper. His counterpart replied with a nonchalant 'Dunno, go back then see how', and quickly changed the subject to what movie they were going to watch later.

I took a train to Bugis. It's a place I haven't visited for a while. I opted to search for a suitable movie timing first at Iluma before doing anything else. I found King of Fighters at 1.40pm, half an hour from the time I checked. I got the ticket, and roamed the mall for a good 20 minutes before going into the theatre.

I sat down. There were only 9 people viewing the movie. I realised the magnitude of loneliness building up inside me at that instant, and it got me thinking. Should I have asked someone out as well? Would anyone be available? An internal struggle between myself and the world.

The show ended. Everyone else got up to leave as the credits rolled. I wished I could stay back in the theatre for just a bit longer, to think and to reflect. But the staff were closing in to clean up the place and that left me with no choice. I exited, veering through all the thin passages in the inner regions of the mall to reach the lift.

I crossed over to Bugis Junction. Nothing has changed, to say the least. I walked around to search for more long-sleeved shirts but nothing caught my eye. I found myself not having much to do at that point. I contemplated playing LAN all by myself, but decided against it as it was just plain stupid.

Walking around took 2 hours or more. I couldn't stand feeling lost any longer, and took an early dinner at Yoshinoya. I sat down alone at a 4-seater table with my food, staring at my bag across me as I ate. It was like looking at a reflection of myself, simply something to fill the empty space but nothing in actuality. My stomach seemed to compress as I progressed with my food, making me take smaller bites. I couldn't explain this. I left when I finished.

I took a train back to Tampines. I moved to Frolick at Tampines 1 and bought something just to pass the time. I sat down and opened my bag. It contained a book, a TIME magazine and paper to be folded into stars. And I was shocked when I chose to read the book, because on any other occasion I would have taken the origami paper without any second thoughts. I told myself that the primary reason spurring me to fold the stars over the years has been lost through the recent events that occurred. I felt that something was wrong with me, a shadow of my former self. No wonder all my seniors and superiors at work or school or home think I have become more passive.

I was absorbed into my book. One line in the book rang out in particular. 'The reason why people lose themselves is due to them losing the reason to live'. I thought about my reason to live. I couldn't answer myself. I realise I've been getting through life day by day, without exactly knowing what's going on. That woke me up a bit.

Unknowingly I spent an hour there. I decided to return back home. As I turned my keys in the lock, my mother rang. She asked if I managed to find anybody to go out with today.

I froze. I found myself struggling with an answer.

It's true, I find myself running away when I'm eased to one side, and that's a possible reason for me having to face the consequence of being alone now. To all my friends, I'm sorry for everything. I should have done better. I just want you guys to be a part of my life. I guess it's really too late to say this but I really miss the days we were together.

2010-08-23T18:20:00.004+08:00

It's just been another of those long weeks, one that starts off with a big bang and the hydrogen tank inside you keeps propelling you forward, no change in direction and no slowing down in speed. At the end of it all, you find yourself deflated, depleted, completely worn out, battered, but definitely a better person.

It's just been another of those long weeks, one that is packed full of activities that take so much out of you that you begin wondering if gritting your teeth through it all is even worth it. Hell, you even contemplate giving up on yourself as an option to escape the harsh realities. You find yourself reaching out to people around you for help, desperately needing a helping hand to pull you of the troubled waters. At the end of it all, you find yourself a little depressed, psyched out, mentally drained, but definitely someone with a harder resolve.

It's just been another of those long weeks, one that feels like an eternity. Wishing for the week to quickly end always hangs in your mind, so that the pain you are suffering for the period of time can end as well. At the end of it all, you find yourself broken, tired, too strained to even think, but definitely more able to take hardships.

It's just been another of those long weeks, one that makes you involuntarily feel lost and all alone. You find yourself thinking of that special someone when you are face to face with problems, wishing that she would be right next to you to get through the storm together, missing her more with every second that ticks by. You find yourself regretting all the things you might have done to let her down, disappoint her even by the slightest bit. Your heart wrenches even more when you know she's out of your reach, an angel who deserves better, and that she might never know how you feel about her. You wish that you had more courage to take the next big step forward and pour your heart out to her, fearing her reaction. At the end of it all, you find yourself in tears, begging for a miracle.

It's just been another of those long weeks. Just another one.

2010-08-09T13:09:00.000+08:00

But then of course everything always happens for a reason
I guess it was never meant to be
But it's just something we have no control over and that's what destiny is
But no more worries, rest your head and go to sleep
Maybe one day we'll wake up and this will all just be a dream

2010-07-31T22:50:00.001+08:00

I can do this. I can do this. I can do this. I can fucking do this.

2010-07-18T17:59:00.001+08:00

When the opposite party doesn't feel the same, you know it's about time to let everything go.

Gosh why do I always feel so depressed at least 5 hours before book-in time?

2010-07-08T19:13:00.002+08:00

There are times when I don't want to know what's going to happen, don't want to care what's going to happen and don't give a damn what's going to happen. And it's times like these where you realise the whole world is against you, laughing at your downfalls, nudging you from time to time just to keep things fresh.

I wished things were simpler. Not a straight line, but just a little less complicated. I have no idea how it has never been all this while.

Life ought to be better. For most people, at least.

2010-07-05T20:44:00.000+08:00

I will not walk in your shadows, for I am me.

2010-07-04T22:53:00.002+08:00

Haven't you heard? Justice is already long dead.

In any case, BMT ended 2 days, and I must say it has been an enriching experience. Tough trainings, sleepless nights, hollering every single minute by sergeants and officers alike, the list goes on. I grew to enjoy my time there in the southern part of Pulau Tekong, spent quality time with my section mates with every given opportunity. I kind of miss them now even though we are apart for only 2 days.

Wish good times like these were everlasting. Wish my friendships were more adamant. Probably too much to ask but I pray it works out.

Thank you, everyone out there, all my friends for making my world round. You guys don't know how important you are in my life.

2010-06-26T23:53:00.003+08:00

Dear ___________,

Please give me the strength to get through this tough and difficult period of my life, for I'm only flesh and blood. Please let me know that it will all be okay, and it will all be worth it in the end. Please give me the courage to move forward, to persevere in whatever shit that comes my way. Please guide me through towards the end of this long and arduous journey, for it has been nerve-wrecking to say the least.

Please.

Sheng Chow

2010-06-11T19:43:00.002+08:00

Just a mixture of all the emotions in the world, all pent up in my head.

How I wished things were simpler. Then I could just express myself properly.

Kind of resent things that just don't go in a straight line at the moment.

2010-05-23T11:18:00.002+08:00

It's weird, but I think I can get used to army life. Lots of friends and lots of new things experienced, it's like a new lease of life.

Physical training in camp is tough. Sweating till every centimetre of the PT kit is drenched, looking at your own body raining sweat droplets down on the floor in slow motion, it's like an advertisement for the Samsung HD television all over again.

Bookouts are sian. We get sick or physically drained in camp that we don't really know what to do when we are out in mainland anymore. Talk about enjoying yourself while you can, this phrase probably doesn't fit in the army phase at all.

All we can do now when out is rest, meet up with people and spend quality time with loved ones.

2010-05-15T22:06:00.001+08:00

Confused emotions, pressure and decisions. That's all I'm feeling right now.

2010-04-25T17:00:00.001+08:00

Nothing else matters now. Goodbye.

2010-04-20T22:17:00.003+08:00

None of us stands alone.

That is a phrase I will try to drum into my mind in the coming months, been taking too much time doing things alone. In the end, no one wins, me not having the company and vice versa.

I'll try to be more proactive in stuff. Not that I'm promising to be a saint and always agree to whatever anyone throws at me, but simply trying to be a better person. Always thought that I was the only one with problems no one else have, guess I was wrong.

Oh well, we shall gambatte.

2010-04-18T23:05:00.000+08:00

Oh no, it's decision time again. Hate these, gosh.

2010-04-13T19:47:00.003+08:00

Body just screaming in pain. Blood just screaming to be let out. Organs just screaming to be removed.

I'm not exactly very sure what I live for anymore. It's just waves and waves of disappointment now.

2010-04-11T22:31:00.002+08:00

I want to meet up with a group of friends. People whom I think matter to me. People whom I put my trust in. People whom I feel comfortable with.

I suppose the time out of contact with each other has rusted everything we have built.

2010-04-01T22:16:00.001+08:00

Burning out is much better than fading out. - Miss Grace Lee

I respect this piece of advice. Too bad it isn't me causing me to fade out.

2010-03-29T22:16:00.001+08:00

Don't worry about me, I was born to be a punchbag.

2010-03-23T22:04:00.001+08:00

I want to be more than just a chess piece in this game of truths and lies.

2010-03-15T21:17:00.003+08:00

The reason behind relying on myself as much as possible? Saving myself from frustration and disappointment when the help requested from others sometimes just don't come your way.

2010-03-08T23:20:00.001+08:00

Jaded.

2010-03-06T20:44:00.002+08:00

Within 7 short months, I realise how fragile things can be if not taken care of.

True, there are some things that you just have to give in to and let go. After all, we can't have everything we want in life. But it just happens to make one appreciate things so much more, no? More and more, I find myself wondering if this fight is worth bleeding for. A world without strangers, a life free from problems.

Yeah, I suppose it's worth it.

2010-03-03T22:33:00.003+08:00

And why should I be scolded by my mother for decisions made by my mother that don't seem to work out in the end? My fault that I listened to the decisions made by my mother in the first place? My fault that I toed the rules set down by my mother in the first place?

If it's a rebel you want, it's a rebel you will get then. I don't see myself being as patient as I was previously any longer with survival instincts coming to life in this oh-now-I-see-that-this-is-really-harsh world. I've had enough.

2010-03-02T23:21:00.001+08:00

Oh shit. Shit. Shit. Shit.

2010-02-21T21:45:00.001+08:00

Regrets, regrets.

2010-02-19T18:31:00.004+08:00

Been away for a long time from here due to events out of my control, sorry to disappoint any.

A lot of things happening during CNY period, some of them not exactly things you would put up on a blog. Lesser personal time, closer family relations, having to put off my job for a week due to personal reasons, a shitload of thinking through when on car rides to places or back home, twinges of jealousy, twinges of envy, doubts over my overall character, doubts over what I can do better, the list goes on.

I get the feeling blogs are becoming less and less personal? Having to restrain putting up language or phrases that are either too strong or offensive in disguise, getting bitten back when the people you are bitching about behind their backs find out directly through your posts or through others gossiping after reading the posts. The vicious cycle just doesn't end.

That's probably why I tend to bottle up my problems most of the time, sometimes refusing to share them with others. The consequence? We drift away from the silence into nothingness, till we can't see each other clearly anymore. And it's times like these where you want to reel your friends back in from society by opting to pour out more of yourself to them, wanting them to learn and know more about you.

But you know it's too late then, because the ones you want back in your reach are small fish in an ocean-like society, and heaven knows if they are willing to bite the bait on your hook.

Besides, ever had encounters of individuals misunderstanding or even taking advantage of your efforts and actions? I admit, I get weary from constantly giving. I'm being selfish, to think like that, but isn't life about giving and taking? We get so caught up with our own well-being, our own interests, that we neglect about others or even take advantage of them.

The above isn't a lament, do pardon my bluntness if any. There will be readers who disagree with me and blast me even, but honestly, do ask yourself if you have lived through such encounters before you do, or wouldn't have a basis to compare me to.

I know I haven't been a good friend to many, being emotionless and cold one time too many with almost everyone I know. The occasional angst and pessimism didn't help either, costing me a couple of relations which were supposedly stable. I am really sorry for everything, I should have done better.

I hope with all my heart that my friends, and every single person whom I care for, no matter how little, will not fade away. Please.

And so, the truth.

2010-02-11T22:01:00.001+08:00

Someone get me a Firewall for my brain please.

2010-02-09T21:01:00.002+08:00

A brilliant flair of hope for the briefest of moments, before it extinguishes again.

Disappointment again. And again. And again. Sick of this shit.

I suppose there isn't much to look forward to after all.

2010-02-06T21:58:00.001+08:00

No time again.

2010-02-02T22:33:00.001+08:00

Meeting some nonsensical customers again these few days. I think some of my colleagues are feeling the strain.

2010-01-30T21:24:00.002+08:00

As you walked away, shouting might have been the answer.

But what if I cried my eyes out and begged you not to part?

2010-01-29T21:58:00.002+08:00

The more you long for something, the less likely you are to getting what you want.

Conversely, the more you try to shun away from something, nature has its own way of making sure that what you are running from finds you.

Dammit.

2010-01-26T22:02:00.003+08:00

The Ham and Cheese bun, is the ham chicken or pork?

That's Mr Potato, right? What does it contain?

Is garlic spicy?

What's the difference between curry chicken and spicy chicken?

Reheat this, please. Shouldn't the bread be warm?

Hey there, my wife and I are vegetarian and we are looking for something that doesn't contain meat or egg. What's that? All your breads contain egg? That isn't fair for the vegetarians! *gives face*

Any bread here that contains char siew? Otah? Ikan bilis? No? *mutters under breath*

You either love this or hate this.

Me? Well, I get this everyday.

And please, woman, it's not the company's fault for showing concern to our Muslim and Hindu counterparts, so stop complaining about the lack of meat options in our store just because you enjoy char siew, otah and ikan bilis.

2010-01-20T21:32:00.002+08:00

It occurred to me that I haven't actually used iTunes ever since my iPod Kristin moved on, and so I did, moments ago. Really surprised to see all the names of my favourite tracks again, and still similarly surprised over how emotional they all sound.

I so haven't kept in touch with my feelings for a while now. A break, cruel world?

2010-01-19T21:54:00.002+08:00

I begin to see similarities in all the places that I frequent when at work.

My workplace is in the corner of a row of shops, the last one before a space appears and the next row of shops begin.

The storeroom to place our bags and all our nonsense is at the far corner of the shop.

My favourite banmian stall at Raffles City food court happens to be at the east corner of the area.

My second favourite stall that sells teppanyaki is at the other corner of the court.

Washrooms, without mention, are at the same corner of every floor in Raffles City.

If I need a quick bite or drink, I head to McDonalds, which is in the corner of Raffles City, closest to the MRT station.

When I go home from work, I'm forced to one corner of the MRT because the middle carriages will always be chock full.

When I reach my block, I use the lift at the far corner of the block, because my home happens to be at the corner as well.

What a life.

2010-01-16T22:54:00.000+08:00

I. Will. Be. The. Answer.

So stop boxing yourself in and give them hell before they do, SC.

2010-01-15T22:18:00.002+08:00

And now I look like Lu Guang Zhong, the Taiwanese Vitas. Zzz.

2010-01-15T21:53:00.001+08:00

Is balance the same as equality?

Is equality the same as versatility?

Is versatility the same as balance?

Sometimes, your heart just screams over subtle things like these.

2010-01-13T22:15:00.002+08:00

And here I was bitching about the shittiest things that happened in work over the last 2 days on Blogger until I thought that it might be a little offensive.

And so I saved that post as a draft. Talk about free speech in Singapore.

2010-01-12T21:02:00.000+08:00

Indeed, please do, for the night has been unkind.

2010-01-11T22:46:00.001+08:00

This feeling, it probably wouldn't let go of me, would it?

So much for trying. I'm tired, to say the least.

2010-01-07T23:07:00.000+08:00

Second day in a row, going home and overshooting my station. I swear I'm becoming obsessed with books.

2010-01-06T20:34:00.004+08:00

My mum officially ends any form of financial help given to me from now, even for that $10 haircut she told me to get cos' the hair on my head apparently irritated her.

Finally got my first pay from last month's work today and finally learnt how to use the frickin' ATM. Don't laugh, it's not my fault that I had to stash my cash away in a pot at home during the school days. Great tactic to save money, if you ask me.

It's hard to cope with life now that you have a brush with adult life: food, transport, working hours, etc. Absolutely can't find any time or space nowadays to actually slow down and do what you enjoy doing. The hefty monetary costs that come with these factors aren't helping things either. Thankfully I don't happen to have any weird obsessions for material items that tend to plague one's financial health. ):

Getting a bit stressed recently, I dunno why. Probably the fear of having to balance your life around your spending power, as well as getting hounded by your parents to start paying them back what I took from them for the past years. What am I supposed to feel? Annoyed? Guilty? Sad? Depressed?

Oh well, 1 more month till the big bucks start rolling in again. Meanwhile, knuckle down and work hard, dammit.

2010-01-04T20:58:00.001+08:00

So little time to learn about things we don't know.

2010-01-02T20:16:00.001+08:00

I don't remember being this bad at phone conversations last time.

Sorry boss, I don't know what happened to me. Hurhur.

2010-01-01T13:13:00.003+08:00

More events await us this new year.

2009-12-30T20:35:00.003+08:00

The following is going to come out weird.

I'm unsure if anyone is going to be free tomorrow, but this is a call for anyone who has spare time to burn. If you guys don't mind a short outing in the evening or so (and maybe eat out for a mock celebration or whatever), would you mind letting me know by text message so that I can make arrangements to knock off work early? Cos' I have no intention to spend New Year's Eve alone at work and I really don't know who to call and all.

Okay that was weird. Shit.

2009-12-26T20:23:00.002+08:00

Why do I get the feeling Avatar is a mixture of DoTA, Red Alert and Star Wars?

Blue skinned creatures riding on horse-like creatures and shooting arrows look as though thousands of Priestess(es) of The Moon came from computer screens to theatres, machinery and fighter planes so reminiscent of the Titans and Orca Fighters from Tiberian Sun, rain of bullets from airships high in the skies make you wonder if the movie setting is set right in the Death Star. Lol.

2009-12-21T20:43:00.001+08:00

Let's move, time is enough for regrets when I'm gone.

2009-12-18T22:14:00.001+08:00

Comeoncomeoncomeoncomeoncomeoncomeoncomeon
comeoncomeoncomeoncomeoncomeoncomeoncomeon
comeoncomeoncomeoncomeoncomeoncomeoncomeon
comeoncomeoncomeoncomeoncomeoncomeoncomeon
comeoncomeoncomeoncomeoncomeoncomeoncomeon
comeoncomeoncomeoncomeoncomeoncomeoncomeon
comeoncomeoncomeonyoupieceofshitCOMEON

2009-12-17T21:00:00.000+08:00

Stop thinking about it, please.

2009-12-11T21:12:00.002+08:00

Loop playback of Christmas songs at your workplace will inevitably make you mouth the lyrics unknowingly when you work.

This in turn, unfortunately, makes patronising customers stare at you because you simply look like an idiot.

Twelve Days of Christmas FTW.

2009-12-10T21:54:00.000+08:00

So work feels like this.

Maybe studying was easier.

2009-12-06T19:51:00.001+08:00

So much for being the invisible man.

2009-12-05T23:22:00.002+08:00

Job application for the IR today with Kenny, Kevin, Teng and one of his floorball mates, had a shitload of people at the e2i so I suppose chances of nailing it would be pretty slim. I'm quite surprised we didn't get a proper job interview either, because apparently we are still kids waiting to enlist into NS in about 4 months time and thus ineligible to apply for a part-time or full-time job. We got ourselves a 'casual job' application in the end, I'm not too sure if the employers actually want us because it was all so brief, they didn't even look at our certs, gosh.

Took off to Fullerton for Kenny to scout for good shots for his photography competition, and walked straight to the Homeclub flea for a lookaround. I had absolutely no idea initially that this place was going to be infested with girls. Apparently Teng has pretty bad memories of it from 2 days ago where he came here with another male classmate in school uniform straight after 'A's. Imagine 5 guys walking around with nothing in mind to purchase in the market today.

Tried looking for prom stuff that I lack, still didn't see anything eye-catching. I'm so gonna look boring then.

2009-12-03T21:02:00.002+08:00

Long-drawn wait for A Levels to end is finally over! Though it's 3 days late but whatever, had quite a lot of things to do in any case.

Exams didn't go exactly according to plan for a couple of papers, Econs in particular was shit. Hopefully my grades don't suffer.

Class chalet for the past 2 days, really loved the fact that almost everyone turned up! (Yes Adrian, even when you appeared at 3am out of nowhere and left at 10am 7 hours later and came back again for dinner) I could sense the disappointment amongst a lot of people for having to go separate ways after such a long time together, it's as if the class spirit became one of the cells in my brain, irreversible and irreplaceable. It's been a real pleasure having been friends with S45, and an honour to have tided through thick and then with them. Scholars, do come back to visit okay, all of us in Singapore will miss you!!

It's only the 3rd day of my 5 month break and I'm already running out of ideas over what to do with my time. Bullshit.

2009-11-07T16:58:00.001+08:00

There's just no end to this shit.

But I didn't come this far to die now.

2009-09-25T21:38:00.002+08:00

I'm sorry, but I don't think I can kid myself any longer.

I'm really starting to miss you guys, and very, very badly at that.

2009-08-09T20:17:00.003+08:00

Singapore Idol (hopefully it's simply the auditions) at 8.30pm on Channel 5.
The Myth at 8.30pm on Channel U.
300 at 10pm on Channel 5.
Man Utd VS Chelsea Community Shield Match at 10pm on Star Sports.

OMG WHY ARE ALL THE GOOD STUFF OVERLAPPING EACH OTHER??

I suppose I'll just pass on the Man Utd match, lest I make them lose again simply by watching them play.

Go do the Pledge Moment in about 5 minutes time! Or I kill you.

2009-08-07T21:48:00.000+08:00

Is it just me, or have I been chasing an empty dream all this while?

Everything's happening just too, too fast.

2009-07-31T21:50:00.000+08:00

I never knew landing on the wrong butt after doing a sliding tackle in soccer could cause so much distress.