“It's all about you.”

November 2005 December 2005 January 2006 February 2006 March 2006 April 2006 May 2006 June 2006 July 2006 August 2006 September 2006 October 2006 November 2006 December 2006 January 2007 February 2007 March 2007 April 2007 May 2007 June 2007 July 2007 August 2007 September 2007 October 2007 November 2007 December 2007 January 2008 February 2008 March 2008 April 2008 May 2008 June 2008 July 2008 August 2008 September 2008 October 2008 November 2008 December 2008 January 2009 February 2009 March 2009 April 2009 May 2009 June 2009 July 2009 August 2009 September 2009 November 2009 December 2009 January 2010 February 2010 March 2010 April 2010 May 2010 June 2010 July 2010 August 2010 September 2010 October 2010 December 2010 January 2011 February 2011 March 2011 April 2011 May 2011 June 2011 July 2011 August 2011 October 2011 November 2011 January 2012 April 2012 May 2012

I just don't know who am I, what am I made of.

It's been about 1 and a half years since I joined the Air Rifle Club. I was prepared to endure all the trainings then, prepared to sacrifice anything for the sake of improving. That was in IP1.

What did I get then? A reserve slot for Nationals. Just because Jun Jie beat me in the selection test at Safra Yishun. I still remember it very clearly. It didn't really matter then, because I thought it was a fair trial. So I gave in.

The competition day came. The 3 other pistol shooters, Jun Han, Jun Jie, Wen Zheng (who quitted last year) went into the firing range. I was left outside, all alone, all by myself, to think and ponder. It was a painful 1 and a half hours, kicking myself mentally and scolding myself for not being able to shine.

But I also decided that maybe I wasn't working hard enough. So I decided to shrug this aside and continue training as hard, hoping for a better result for 2007.

2007 introduced shooters who had unnatural ability, Kai Liang for instance. His score in the first month of his pistol training was on par with what I shot in December 2006. Frankly speaking, I was afraid at that time. Afraid of being left behind again.

And I suppose it all came true today. Joshua came up my pistol team today at HomeTeamNS (minus Jun Han, cos he's training at Safra Yishun) and told us that Jun Han, Jun Jie and Kai Liang would be shooting in the Nationals, a week away from now.

Although I said I was okay when Joshua asked me whether I could take this news, I couldn't help feeling disappointed with myself. What was it that made me lose my place in the major competition for 2 years running? What was it that made me an inferior shooter compared to the rest?

Mr Chow once said that "Those who work hard would be rewarded.", if I remember correctly. I suppose that's not true. I mean, which human being would place effort in front of results? It's just not human nature. Admit it, we are just materialistic.

It's a shame. I'm sorry to everyone who placed faith in me. But I'm just not good enough in anything.